short story

Obituary 

*This post is dated 30th July 2015. It is based on a writing prompt by VJ.

Scarlet and Overkill passed away very recently. Their friends, and classmates know very well that these two shall be missed in their own world. A world I’ve never noticed, though they always claimed it was there – sigh, maybe I should’ve just believed them. Scarlet wore scarlet nail colour, well manicured and pedicured hands and limbs; and was born with lipstick-ed lips. Overkill on the other hand, would kill others with her ‘over-ness’. She believed in natural beauty, to an extent where she rarely looked human. Or natural.

Picture by Ofra cosmetics

Once I ran into them, while waiting for my friends. We ended up in a heated discussion that the Earth is round and not flat. No matter how many times I tried to convince her that the Earth was round, Scarlet was not convinced. She lived in a completely different world only she knew of. But, she even almost managed to convince my friends that I was wrong and the Earth was flat. Overkill on the other hand kept saying – No, the Earth is a sphere. Why do you keep saying it’s round? I finally gave up trying to explain that she was actually supporting me, in a different dimension.

Scarlet was so clever: she knew it all – Einstein perhaps would’ve proposed her (since she is such an inspiration) had she be born years ago. That would be a dream come true, for me! And Overkill, well she just went with it. She expected everyone to fall for her charm and rob a bank for her. That’s all she was bothered about. Unlike Scarlet, who depended on various ways to charm, she only depended on her beauty. Her natural beauty.

It was these all  traits that killed them.

Yesterday, I was climbing down the stairs, with my friends, when I noticed them in front of me – Scarlet, and Overkill – with her boyfriend. I had almost reached the ground floor, when they’d reached the last few stairs. Suddenly, Overkill’s scream pierced my ears, blood gushing out of them. For the next few hours I couldn’t hear a thing.

But with horror, I saw Overkill rolling down the stairs, breaking the stairs as she descended down them, for she was all powerful. Scarlet had been busy on her phone, texting her crush (reminding him that the following day was her birthday and he must buy her a gift. Definitely.). She turned around and laughed at Overkill – so silly. But her laughter suddenly changed into concentration – she was calculating whether Overkill would hit her. She suddenly relaxed and watched Overkill bump into a big tree.  She smiled – she knew it! She was safe. Before Overkill could come back to her senses, there was a big thundering noise and the tree fell, killing Overkill. Now, Scarlet did estimate that Overkill would not hit her (and thus kill her), but she never expected the tree to fall on her – she used the wrong formula. And thus, the tree fell on her – just as she was clicking a selfie – and she died posing for a selfie! Truly a grand way to die. Two brave warriors to the end. It was all over before I could do anything.

I was rushed to NIMHANS (for my bleeding ears) along with them (who were evergreen members of the hospital) and they were declared dead on arrival. Such a tragedy. 

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food, humour

Fish?

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Everybody knows that you don’t drink water after you eat fish! But nevertheless, the fish shall have its revenge. No matter what.
Let’s take fish fry for instance. It’ll go all the way to your stomach, and the food and water you gulped down with it, will be like doctors who say, “The patient is very critical now, he/she has sustained 89% burns.” And then, the nutrition you so rightfully deserve shall be snatched from you, and used up by the fried fishes.

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If you think that fish curry is safe… then nooooo. Think again – they are worse. They’re fishes in water! They race down your oesophagus, and once in the stomach, start partying. Party all night, party all night. Well, not all night – they drink,dance and make noise (that’s when your tummy vibrates).

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And when all the food is over, only still water left, they’ve had enough. They make whirlpools inside the stomach, hit the walls – till you feel so uncomfortable that it is all expelled out of your stomach and flushed down the toilet.

humour

Inflammable Substance

Ring of Fire, Blurred Motion                              

Inflammable chemically simply refers to the property of a material as to how easily is ignites, or sustains a combustion reaction.

A few days ago I was quite jobless, and lost in thought, and for some weird unknown reason the term “inflammable substance” came into my mind. Now, I should probably be frank and let you know that I’ve been called a lot of things – talkative, crazy, psycho, and mad – because you see I was too cool for people who hated me. But nevertheless, “inflammable substance” was the craziest thing I was ever called. Funnily enough, it was my chemistry tuition teacher who called me so (quite obvious).

Well, this was back in 2011, when I was in tenth standard, and you really didn’t have to write board exams anymore, and CIA along with MCQ’s were introduced. I always hated tuition, but I pretty much flunked in a Physics test, so I decided to go for one, till I’m quite stable in the subject. So I send my parents to find a decent place for Physics tuition, but what do I end up with? Tuition in Physics, Chemistry and Maths – throughout the week. Thank God, my mom was sensible enough that she didn’t enroll me for Biology, which was on a Sunday – she knew I would go into Badrakaali mode.

Triumphant Institute of Management Education (T.I.M.E) was my destination, and apparently the guy in charge of that branch (HOD I think) had very inconveniently (for me) convinced my parents that Physics was incomplete without Chemistry and Maths. Biriyani is incomplete without raita, I agree, but this was ridiculous.

My classes would get over by 3:30 p.m. and I would get down near the coaching centre by 3:45 p.m., and my session wouldn’t start for another 45 minutes. Unfortunately I did not have the time to go home and then come, because my bus had a very twisted route. So, I was pretty jobless.

This Chemistry teacher had a problem with pretty much everything I did during this free time of mine. I used to sit in the reception, which was near the ‘staff room’- a large part of the room divided into cubicles. Sometimes I would simply try to sleep – there was no use pretending to study, it was way too boring. And at times, I would eat something like chips. But one day, sir came into class and said,” You can’t sit there and eat, so many of us will not have eaten our lunch.”

Obviously, I wouldn’t know who had lunch, and who didn’t – it was not my job. All I know is that I never forbade anybody from eating their lunch. And that I WAS HUNGRY. Probably, he meant himself by ‘so many of us’. I was just happy I didn’t get a stomach ache.

Since then, I started to hunt empty classes, and the room where I used to sit would be free by 4. And I would go to the washroom to freshen up, and transfer all those chocolate wrappers from my pocket to the dustbin. This trip to the washroom was a short, pleasant walk, and I would observe other classrooms on my way. One day, on my way back from the washroom, I paused for a second to examine my shoe, near the class where this guy was teaching. Big mistake.

That day, during the last 15 minutes or something, he said that I was not supposed to wander around during class hours. Pfft. I did not have any class at all, and I pay the fees, so I can use the washroom you know. And he also called me an inflammable substance, which is why I shouldn’t ‘peep’ into classes.

Though, at that time, I didn’t quite realize the complete meaning of what he said, I would rather take it as an unintentional compliment.